Sad Song
by Fighting-this-War
Summary: Today I'm going to write a sad song... A song fic based on Christina Perri's Sad Song because it describes early Cora/Robert sooo well!


_Today I'm Gonna write a sad song,_

_I'm gonna make it really long_

_So that everyone can see,_

_That I'm very unhappy._

"Dear Mama," Cora started the letter that would carry every painful emotion she felt back to New York, though it wasn't her intention. She supposed her sadness just oozed from each and every word she spoke, much less wrote. She stared at the words she had written, a simple greeting to anyone but Cora. She knew what this letter was and it was more than just a way of informing her mother events that had passed. This letter was an admission of her failure.

_I wish I wasn't always wrong_

_I wish it wasn't always my fault_

_But the finger that you're pointing_

_Has knocked me on my knees_

_And all you need to know is_

Every breakfast, every luncheon and every evening meal brought more ridicule from her new mother in law who found fault with just about everything the American did, no matter if she thougth she was doing it right; Violet would be right there to remind her that she wasn't and Cora's soft eyes would seek out her new husband across the table who would stand so quietly by as his mother ripped her to pieces like a rabid dog. Cora knew he wasn't laughing at her, he wasn't joining in the taunts, blaming her for everything that went wrong, but his silence brought an equal amount of pain to her heart.

_I'm sorry it's not like me,_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow_

She left the dinner party early, hoping to retire to bed and be able to sleep forever. Sadly for her, Robert chose that moment to follow her; obviously annoyed at the multiple questions regarding her whereabouts.

"Cora," he spoke, nothing more and nothing less. The word carried no emotion and could have easily been used to describe a mundane window or door not a man's wife, no matter how much he didn't love her.

"I don't feel well." Cora defiantly spoke, crossing her arms across her chest as she sat at the silk lined stall next to her dressing table; except it wasn't HER dressing table, the mahogany one with the nicks from every time she got over zealous with her hair brush, with the traces of her childhood ingrained into it. No this was a dressing table that was as foreign as she was.

"You shouldn't just leave! That's not the proper thing to do." Robert's commanding voice now took over and on any normal day Cora would be happy to challenge him but tonight her emotions were taking hold of her and she couldn't stop her soul from being crushed no matter how hard she tried. She didn't answer and that infuriated him even more. "Mama was right, you are such a child!" He huffed and with that he had turned on his heel and left his new bride to let out the breath she was holding and let the tears flow.

_I wonder what my mom and dad would say,_

_If I told them that I cry each day._

_But it's hard enough to live so far away._

The letter lay before her, unwritten besides the opening line but somehow Cora couldn't quite get past the niceties. She wanted nothing more –in the back of her head- to go back home, admit defeat, she couldn't hack it as an English Lord's wife but things were no longer that simple. With recognition to Robert's father, she was no longer able to leave Downton or the family or she would be destitute. He had robbed her family and his son had robbed her heart.

_I wish I wasn't always cold_

_I wish I wasn't always alone_

_When the party is over,_

_How will I get home?_

_And all you need to know is_

Pain throbbed all over her body as she stared out of the library window to see Robert cavorting with his blasted Labrador. Bitterly Cora began to wonder why he didn't marry the damn thing. As the thought entered her mind she began to wonder if perhaps she was hardening; her American spirit returning or was she simply just a bitter, unloved aristocrat?

She thought back to all the boys in New York, all the ones who had expressed interest in her but she had been so pig headed and turned them all down flat; she could easily be living in New York with JJ at this precise moment sipping an ice tea, something Britain had not heard of evidently. Oh how she missed ice tea but she daren't ask for it again after last time when Violet caught her, ridiculed her and laughed her out in front of the servants who now saw her as nothing but Violet's ragdoll apparently. She felt ridiculous, angry and sad all at the same time and she knew it was only a matter of time before one emotion would overrule the others, though she was terrified to wonder which of the 3 she would prefer.

_I'm sorry it's not like me,_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow_

_If all the rules were made to bend_

_And you swore you were my friend_

_Now I have to start all over again_

Her problem was despite everything that had happened, she was deeply in love with Robert in a way she didn't think was even possible and she was aware of what would happen if she wrote the letter she wanted to; her mother would perhaps reluctantly take her back, her father would perhaps disown her, but despite herself and everything, she didn't want to leave Robert. She would never be able to stop thinking about him. That thought scared her more than any thought that had entered her head.

After everything she knew that no man would ever come close to Robert in the love for his family, his house and his blasted dog. She only hoped perhaps he could love her with just an ounce of that fervour.

_Cause no one's going to take your place_

_And I'm scared I'll never save_

_All the pieces of love we made_

_And I'm so sorry, it's not like me_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that I can slip and fall_

_And you won't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow_

_And I'm so sorry_

_It's not like me_

_It's maturity that I'm lacking_

_So don't, don't let me go_

_Just let me know that growing up goes slow._

The letter was written, painfully, with no details of her depression. The only content in it were of happy times and things that had happened at the house with an extension of an invitation she knew her parents would never accept, not as long as the entail stood; her father was far too proud a man for that. Cora sealed the envelope, allowing a tear to slip through her tightly closed eyes as she thought about everything she had given up and still was, on the stupid whim of a fantasy relationship in a sophisticated country. She was unaware she wasn't alone until a hand touched her shoulder gently. With shock she drew her head up quickly and looked into the warm eyes of her husband.

"I just wanted to say I was sorry." He answered softly and she gave the first sincere smile she had felt in a long time. "I disregarded your feelings completely, and that was more childish than anything you had done."

She nodded slowly as he removed his hand; her body missing the heat instantly. It was then, to her dismay, he saw the letter.

"Ahh you've written to your mother!" he gave a sound that she guessed was pleasure. "I hope it was full of the exciting things you've gotten up to here and all the friends you've made."

Cora couldn't speak. She was only able to move her head in a vague nodding sensation for she saw in that moment her Husband didn't have a clue. With a smile he left and she was left with the growing heavy sensation in her chest once again. One she was sure would never leave her.


End file.
